


What Girls Are Made Of

by Sashataakheru



Series: Genderfluid James Acaster [4]
Category: Taskmaster (UK TV) RPF
Genre: Angst, Comforting, Cuddles, D/s, Daddy/boi, Dresses, Dysphoria, Genderfluid James, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Obedience, Sleeping Together, Submission, Subspace, bed sharing, clothing dysphoria, cross-dressing, genderfluidity, girl!james
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 01:11:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18419726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: James thinks he's done everything he can to prepare for the Taskmaster studio recordings. He's planned out every outfit, and brought his best dresses, but he's still apprehensive and constantly afraid of getting in trouble. Thank God he has Greg to give him the courage he needs, even if he still feels as fragile as snow.





	What Girls Are Made Of

**Author's Note:**

> With the anon meme moving to a new home, I thought I'd just finish this off and post it with the ending here. More girl!James/feminisation fills woo. <3

"Are you sure you want to wear that on stage? It's not too late to just pretend it was a costume, you know."  
  
James adjusted his dress in the mirror, glancing back at Greg for just a moment. He'd picked out this bottle green dress for good reason, and it made him feel so good when he wore it. He liked the way the sleeves sat on his shoulders, and how it was just touching his knees, not too long, not too short. The skirt was swishy too, and there were the smallest of subtle touches of black lace in just the right places. He loved this dress, and honestly, his brain really, really wasn't in the mood to wear boy clothes at all. He had to be comfortable, and tonight, that meant a dress. Sure, Greg was technically right, he could still change his mind, but James was in no mood to be talked out of it.   
  
"It's not a costume, Greg. I'm a girl.  I'm a girl. I can't just stop now. Besides, I've got so many dresses. I've planned out all my outfits for every episode. I'm going to look fucking amazing." James stopped to adjust the tiara. "And anyway, if Katherine Ryan can style it out, so can I."  
  
Greg came up behind him and touched his shoulders. James was actually wearing heels, and the extra height was almost impressive standing in front of Greg. Greg wrapped his arms around him and pressed a kiss to his neck. "Well, okay, but only if you're sure. I just don't want you to get hurt. I don't want you getting shit for it that you can't handle, you know? You can't fight back the way I can."  
  
James leaned against him, and never wanted that hug to end. "That's why I'm staying with you. I'm safe when I'm with you."   
  
Greg smiled. "I see you haven't abandoned the tiara either."  
  
"It's part of me, Greg. I'm a princess, and princesses wear tiaras," James said.  
  
"You know we'll have to talk about the dresses out there, right? I hope you're prepared for that. Not everyone will be as kind or as understanding as I am," Greg said.   
  
"I know, but I don't care. Besides, it's controlled out there, well, partly controlled. It's not a pub full of angry drunk straight guys, you know? And it's TV, and I'm weird anyway, so what does it matter? I'll just say I'm channelling my favourite Champion, Katherine Ryan. I'm obssessed enough with the show to make that convincing," James said.  
  
"I'm sure you could, I just wanted to make sure you're prepared for being laughed at," Greg said.  
  
"Stop fussing, I'll be fine, I'll be alright. I can handle myself," James said.  
  
"I mean, you say that, but you really don't take criticism well, do you? And you're not really known for this. People are going to be confused, and some might be mean. You'll have to get that crowd onside every episode. Are you really up for that challenge?" Greg said.  
  
"I have to be. I just. You don't understand. This isn't just, oh look at that man in a dress! It's not comedy! It's just who I am right now! I don't want to just pretend it's for laughs. I don't want to just lie like that," James said.  
  
"Then don't. Just say you're making sure the girls outnumber the boys this time, just to make a point. Why would you need to say anything else? I mean, apparently that's what you told Alex when you first showed him your outfit, so why try to explain it any more than that? People will understand that. They won't understand the truth," Greg said.  
  
James broke away from him and gave a frustrated shout. It's not that it wasn't what he was thinking, or that it wasn't sensible advice. And it was true. That was half the reason he'd chosen the dress in the first place, and he wasn't going to lie about that. But he wished he could just be open and honest and not have to pretend it was some sort of comedic protest when it was just how he was feeling right now.   
  
He'd always had a weird relationship to gender anyway. In a lot of ways, it really didn't matter. Clothes were clothes. And he'd never quite fit properly with either boys or girls, and he'd never quite understood it. He just knew he shifted. Sometimes, he was a girl, sometimes, he was a boy, and sometimes, he was just James, some tangled confusion of everything.  
  
It had taken a long time to work out what that really was, and that it wasn't just him being weird. He was still coming to terms with it, if he was being honest. He'd never been openly queer. He'd never let himself feel those things, or think about himself that way. That was where a whole pile of messed up guilt sat, and he didn't want to disturb it. But it had got to the point where he wore a dress for the first time, and he knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was real, that it wasn't just him being strange.   
  
He'd spent a week crying about it. Frustrated. Afraid. Pulled himself away from the world because he knew what happened to boys who wore dresses. He knew. That night in a bush outside a train station had made it clear how dangerous it was for boys to wear dresses. But it felt so right that he didn't know how else to deal with it except embrace it. And now, here he was, about to go in front of an audience and reveal not just that he'd worn a dress for all his tasks, but also that he was also now wearing a dress, and that scared him. Could he still do this?  
  
And then, just when James felt he was about to spiral into self-doubt and tear his dress off, Greg pulled him into a tight hug and James felt his frustration melting away.   
  
"I want to see you go out there and give the biggest fuck you to the world, you hear me? You're cute enough that no one will really hate you in that dress. You'll get away with it. You just need to be brave, and be the best girl you can be out there. If you're going to be a girl, might as well do it properly, you know?" Greg said.  
  
James had to smile at that, because it helped. Greg calling him a girl helped. Greg gently stroking his hair helped. Greg turning him around to kiss him helped. James had found his bravado again. "Yeah, I know, I'll do my best, alright? I mean, that's why I wanted to be on the girls' team. I'm a girl. And I can't be on the girls' team if I'm not a girl."  
  
"I mean, we've grouped people together for team tasks on less than that, you know? You didn't need to be a girl for this," Greg said.  
  
"Yes, I did. I'm making a stand. Finally, a series of Taskmaster with more girls than boys. Suck it!"   
  
Greg laughed. "It's nice to know you're still a brat, no matter what you're wearing."   
  
"They're just clothes, Greg, that's all they are. I mean, they're good clothes, and fuck this dress is incredible, but they're still just clothes. I don't know why we had to gender them. Dresses are really comfortable! I wish more boys would try it and realise that instead of just teasing me and wanting to bash me up!" James said, sounding slightly exasperated.  
  
Greg conceded his point. "You're not wrong, James. You'd better finish up though, they'll be wanting you in make-up soon, and you might need extra time if you're going to go all the way with the girl thing."  
  
"Oh, I will, trust me, they won't know what's hit 'em," James said.  
  


* * *

  
James hadn't meant to start crying, but that remark from Rhod - that James was furious about because he had waited until after the taping was over to say it as they were leaving the studio - had hit a lot harder than he had let on. He managed to hold it all in until he got to his dressing room and then it all just came out.  
  
He was doubting himself again. And it's not like the taping had gone badly. Greg was right, the three girls and two boys protest had smoothed over the dresses, and James had found himself with more allies in the crowd than he'd anticipated, which had just grown his confidence and made him feel like this would be alright. He was alright. He could do this.   
  
But Rhod had shot him out of the sky. And maybe he was right. Maybe he was just a man in a dress. He didn't exist. He was just playing around. He was a comedian after all. That's what comedians did. This was an act, a joke, something not to be taken seriously.   
  
But that just didn't match how he felt. If it was just an act, he'd have said so. He'd have played up to it how male comedians in dresses always played up to it. But he didn't do that because that's not what this was. Of course it was real. That's why it had hurt so much. But then Taskmaster wasn't the platform for nuanced and sensible conversations about gender, so he just ignored it, pretending this was all a joke instead.   
  
And he was still quite overwhelmed from the tapings. He hadn't expected Greg and Alex to be so very obvious about what they were doing with each other. Sure, James had worked out what they were doing long ago. He was obsessed with the show. He saw the kink as clearly as anything. But it was another thing seeing it right there in front of his face, and he hadn't been prepared for that. He'd been prepared to defend the dresses, but that, that was something else.   
  
"James? Are you alright?"   
  
Greg's voice pierced the silence and James didn't stop him from coming in. He turned to him, face puffy and red from his crying, and fell into his arms, definitely not alright. Greg held him tight, and kissed the top of his head, and James was so glad he had come to find him. He needed him.   
  
"You're alright, James. You're safe. You're alright. I'm here now. I'll keep you safe," Greg said softly, stroking his hair gently.   
  
James clung to him, feeling so angry with himself for not being brave enough to do this. For not being able to just brush off that insult and keep going. To just ignore the taunts and the jeers.   
  
James sobbed against his chest. "But he said I wasn't real. I'm not real, am I? I'm just a man in a dress, that's all I'll ever be."  
  
"Ignore him. What the fuck would he know about being queer anyway? Listen to yourself, and listen to me. You're a girl if you say you're a girl. I believe you," Greg said.  
  
"B-but I'm not just a girl! Sometimes I _am_ a boy! And sometimes I'm something else! That's just how I am!" James said.  
  
"Girl, boy, I don't give a fuck. When have I ever cared what you looked like or what gender you are? You're still beautiful to me," Greg said.  
  
"No, I'm not beautiful. I'm just some fucking _boy_ in a dress, just like everyone says I am," James siad.  
  
"Hey, no, don't you fucking think like that. They don't know you. You're real. You exist. You'll be alright. I'm here, you'll be alright, you're safe. It's a good thing you're coming home with me because if you weren't, I'd insist on it anyway. You need company tonight, and I think it's about time I showed you something that I think you need to see," Greg said.  
  
James looked up at him, curious. "What do you want to show me?"   
  
"I want to show you that you're not alone. Now, come on, dry your eyes, get changed, and I'll take you home, alright? Do you want me to stay? Or are you going to be alright for a while?" Greg said.  
  
"Please stay, I-I don't want to be alone, not if he- I mean, it's stupid, but I just - stay please?" James said.  
  
Greg cupped his cheek gently and kissed him. "I'll stay. Don't worry about that."   
  
"Thank you, Greg," James said.  
  
James changed quickly, because the less time he had to spend in boy clothes, the better. He hated the way his jeans clung to his legs, and the shirt just didn't sit right on his body, but he was still feeling fragile, and maybe that's why he'd brought such a baggy jumper, he felt it could hide him like a shield.   
  
He gathered up his things and got ready to go, but he didn't really want to leave. Leaving would mean going out there, and that's where all the pain was. But Greg took his hand and gently led him out and back to his dressing room to change. He hadn't expected to find Alex waiting for them, but James appreciated the hug he gave him, and didn't quite let go of his hand as they followed Greg inside, neither wanting to be alone.   
  
"I think you're very brave, James. I couldn't do what you did tonight," Alex said, offering another cuddle, which James accepted. He was feeling a desperate need to be held right now, and it didn't seem to matter whether it was Greg or Alex. Being held was what mattered.   
  
"Thanks, Alex. You're very brave too. I couldn't do what you do with Greg, either, not in front of all those people. Just - it's so kinky. It's so - _sexual_. I couldn't do it," James said.  
  
Alex blushed. "I-it helps if you like it when people see you do it, which I do, but yes.  I know it's - a bit much for some. We get carried away sometimes."    
  
"That's the understatement of the year. You two are all over each other," James said.  
  
Alex gave a shy smile. "Is it really that obvious? I-I try not to be obvious, but sometimes - things just happen, you know? And it's not always my fault."   
  
"I never said it was. But yeah, it is kinda really obvious you get off on it? Like, do you know how many times you thanked him for snapping that elastic on your face? Way to make it clear you love pain, Alex," James said.  
  
Alex blushed even harder, but said nothing. James didn't push him on it. He didn't want to pry, necessarily, but maybe this wasn't the place for this conversation. Besides, he was feeling a bit calmer now, and he liked the way Alex was just gently stroking his back as he held him tight.   
  
He didn't feel very brave, if he was being honest with himself. He hadn't stood up to Rhod at all. He'd just fled like a coward, and that's why he was here in Alex's arms, dressed in boy clothes, and not in the dress he so badly wanted to wear instead. He wanted to cry, but he didn't want to cry in front of Alex.   
  
He just had to get through this. He just had to wait for Greg and then go home with him, and then he'd be alright. He could get out of his boy clothes then. He wouldn't have to wear them forever. But in that moment, it seemed like forever away, and he tried his best to push away the dysphoria and just rip his clothes off because he couldn't stand them anymore.   
  
"Are you alright, James? You're shaking," Alex said, pulling away from him a little.   
  
James hadn't even been conscious of it, but he suddenly felt just like his nerves were on fire, and he had to get those clothes off right. now.   
  
"No! I can't do this! I just want to wear a dress!" James cried as he angrily pulled at his clothes in disgust. He hated the feel of them. He hated the weight of them. He couldn't stand being in boy clothes any longer and started undressing, throwing his clothes away.  
  
Greg taking hold of his arms and making him stand still was what stopped that tantrum in its tracks. "James, stop it. Calm down. You can change if you really need to, it's alright, you'll be alright, you're safe with us, alright?"  
  
James instinctively wanted to fight him off, but Greg brought him into a tight hug, and James just ended up crying against his chest, submitting to his strength. "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this."   
  
"Yes you can, James. Yes you fucking can, you hear me? I know it's hard, I really do, you're so brave for going out there like that. I wish you didn't have to be brave, but that's what it takes these days. If you need to wear your dress home, you wear it home. I won't stop you. I'll never leave your side the whole time, alright? I'll fight off anyone who wants to cause trouble. I'll keep you safe," Greg said, pressing a kiss to his head as he comforted him.   
  
James wasn't really aware of where Alex was until he felt his arms close in around him from behind, and that might have been when he finally stopped shaking, when he was held so close by them both, and couldn't move. That's when he felt safe at last.   
  
"We've got you, James, don't worry, you'll be safe with us," Alex said.  
  
James didn't reply, didn't know what to say, just let them hold him tight until he'd finally stopped crying. He looked up at Greg, feeling like a mess, for getting so upset over it, for just being too much trouble, but if Greg was feeling any of that, it didn't show. He just gently lifted James' chin and kissed him.   
  
"Go on, baby girl, clean yourself up. Let's get out of here, yeah?" Greg said.  
  
James dried his eyes with the back of his hands, but even as they let him go, he didn't let go of their hands. "I-I think I need you both tonight. I don't want to be alone. I need you."   
  
"You need me? Really?" Alex said, surprised.  
  
"Yes, I do. You're - you didn't talk me out of wearing a dress. You might not have understood it, but you didn't question it. You just let me do it. I - I don't know if I've ever told you how much I appreciated that. And - and I did see the way you smiled at me every time I came to do a task. No one made me feel - bad for this. No one laughed at me. And, like, don't think I'm going to say this publicly, because I'm not that kind of girl, but I want to say it now, because I want you to know that. You made it safe for me, and I'm never going to forget that," James said.  
  
"Thank you, James. I was just doing my job. Anyone who comes on Taskmaster becomes family, you know? And you take care of family, that's why. But I'm glad you felt safe. I didn't want you to feel unsafe, because I know it's - weird, and I don't really understand it, but it's not my place to judge. And it was nice to see you just be so confident, and the girls were so supportive of you too, I was glad about that. And if that means you need me tonight, then you can have me too. Just - I will need to make a call first, please, James?" Alex said.  
  
James let go of Alex's hand. "Oh, yes, of course, go ahead."  
  
"Are you going to wear that green dress home? I really loved you in that one," Greg said.  
  
James turned to him. "Did you really like that one? I love that one so much."  
  
Greg brought him close, bringing his arms around his waist. "I really, really did. Go on, put it on again for me, please?"   
  
"Alright, I'll wear the green one. It is a lovely dress, after all," James said.  
  
Greg let him go, and James picked up his discarded clothes and put them in his bag. He took out the green dress with reverence and felt so much better now that he was wearing it. He switched his shoes to his heels, and placed the tiara on his head. He really felt better now. He didn't know why clothes bothered him as much as they did when they didn't match his gender, but they did, and he kind of hated it. He wished he was more at ease with himself, and that clothes really were just clothes, and not constant irritants if they didn't match properly.   
  
Greg gently grabbed his hips when he was done, and James let him pull him close and kiss him. James wrapped his arms around his neck, feeling a lot better than he had a moment ago. It was also nice to be kissing Greg in heels; the height difference wasn't so great then, and James felt like a giant, albeit a very slender one in the arms of a real giant.   
  
"We'd better get out of here. The sooner we're home, the sooner I can show you something really special," Greg said.  
  
James couldn't help smiling. Greg always seemed to know how to cheer him up. "It'd better be really special, Greg, I've got my best dress on and everything."   
  
"Oh, it's special, trust me. It's so special, most people don't know about it," Greg said, leaning to whisper to him.   
  
"Oh a secret! I like secrets! Am I going to like this secret?" James said.  
  
"Oh, I think you'll like it very much," Greg said.   
  
James very much hoped he would. But there was no time to keep kissing him, even though he really wanted to. Greg made him finish packing up his things, and once Alex had returned with his things, James left with them, with one of them on each arm, feeling much more like he could face the world, now that they were with him. Finally, he felt invincible.   
  


* * *

  
Given how anxious James had felt leaving the studio, he was glad that his anxiety at being in public at night in a dress had disappeared by the time they got to Greg's flat. Even those few minutes waiting for Alex were fine. James stood with Greg, holding his arm, while Greg made stupid jokes and made him laugh. He didn't feel scared, because he was with Greg. Greg could keep him safe. He was big and strong, unlike James, who was very much none of those things. Alex gave James another warm hug when he arrived, which James appreciated, before they all headed up to Greg's flat together.   
  
James felt he ought to be a bit drunk. That might have made things a bit easier, but it wasn't that kind of night, and the recordings were far from finished. He didn't want to ruin them by being slightly hungover the entire time.   
  
He felt immediately safe as soon as he was inside. Greg's flat tended to do that to him. Nothing could get him here. The door closeing behind him shut the world out, and now, it was just them, and nothing bad would ever happen here.   
  
Sure, he was brave - or stupid - enough to go out in public in dresses and his swagger - and possibly his scowl - would generally be enough to make people leave him alone, but it never quite alleviated his anxiety that he was just one smart-arse comment away from being beaten up. He wasn't good at hiding. At passing. James in a dress was very much the same as James not wearing a dress, and he was just as easily frustrated. James was not one for bottling anything up. He lashed out. And he was constantly afraid that would get him in trouble one day.   
  
But that was the outside world. Here, he was safe. Greg and Alex made him feel safe. It wasn't the only place he felt safe, to be fair. Ed's place - he always felt safe with Ed. That was usually his first port of call if he needed safety. But if he needed protection, he went to Greg's. That was just how things worked for him.   
  
James wasn't sure what was going to happen tonight. Greg had said he wanted to show him something, to show him he wasn't alone, but James didn't know what he meant by that. Was it about the dresses? Did Greg wear dresses too? Or was he-...? James struggled to find the right word in his head. He didn't half understand his own gender, let alone knew how to talk about it with other people.   
  
And then he wondered if Alex knew. He must know, because otherwise Greg wouldn't have let him come over, right? But he still didn't know what that meant. What was Greg trying to tell him? Was he secretly a woman? Was that it? Surely he would have noticed if that was the case. But before he could obsess over that possibility, Greg brought him close, hands on his hips, and kissed him, and James just melted. Kissing did that to him. One of Greg's hands gently slipping inside his skirt also made him melt, just a little bit.   
  
"Wh-what did you want to show me, sir?" James said.  
  
"Come on, it's through here," Greg said, taking his hands. He turned to Alex. "Alex, get the whisky out. I think we might need it tonight."  
  
"Yes, sir," Alex said. "Do you want me to just-?" He hesitated, gestured vaguely at the sofa, wasn't sure what to say.  
  
"Wait out here? You can wait out here if you want," Greg said.  
  
Alex looked a little dismayed, as if that wasn't what he had been trying to ask, but accepted Greg's word with another 'yes, sir' and went to find the whisky.   
  
James glanced back at him for a moment before Greg led him into his bedroom and over to his wardrobe. James suspected he might have guessed right about the dresses, but didn't want to pre-empt him, so he kept quiet. He could tell Greg was hesitating a bit.   
  
"You don't have to do this, sir, I-I'm fine. I'll be alright. We can just sit on the sofa and drink whisky," James said, giving him an out if he needed it.  
  
"No, no, I should have told you about this a long time ago, when I knew you were queer too. I feel like I've lied to you about this, but I didn't. It's just hard to talk about, you know? Most people don't understand," Greg said.  
  
"Yeah, I know. Do you have dresses, sir? Is that it?" James said, hoping he was being gentle enough with that question that he didn't scare him off.   
  
Greg opened the wardrobe and there sat a small, but quite pretty collection of dresses in a range of colours. Purple, black, a lovely emerald green, red, and a couple of deep blue ones. All different styles, or so James could see.   
  
"Yeah, yeah, I do. I only wear them in the flat though. I can't go out like you. That would be - they don't hide me the way they hide you. I just stand out more. But I don't know, I thought you needed to know it's not just you. That it's me as well," Greg said.  
  
"Oh, I don't know if they hide me very well. I don't - become a girl or anything. I'm just - me, in a dress. I don't think I'd know how to behave any differently. Is that not how you do it? Do you... So - so is it just - drag? Or is there - is it something else? Like, in your head?" James said, unsure he was even explaining this properly.  
  
"That's the thing, I don't know. I didn't even think wearing dresses changed me like that until I met you. Then it was all I could think about. And I think I've thought about it too much because I just can't make any sense of it. I don't know if I'm trying to be something I'm not, just to make you happy, you know?" Greg said.  
  
James made a face. "Why would I want you to wear dresses too? I don't need you to wear dresses just to make me happy. You should wear dresses to make yourself happy. Do they make you happy, sir?"   
  
"Yeah, they do. They're - I think I like myself more when I wear them, but it's not drag, though. I don't have a drag persona or anything like that. I'm just me. I just like wearing them. But I don't really know why," Greg said.  
  
"Oh, okay. Does Alex know?" James said.  
  
"Sort of. It's - not something he wants from me, so I don't really do it when he's around. But he does know. I don't know if he really understands it though," Greg said.  
  
"That might be why he didn't question my dresses. Might not have understood it, but didn't question it. It didn't occur to me that he'd have just accepted that because of you, though," James said.  
  
"Well, I do keep it quiet. Alex - the thing you need to understand about Alex is that he's just very accepting of everything. If you tell him that's how it's going to be, or if that's a thing you like, he'll just accept it and move on. He doesn't make a fuss. It's just become part of his world now. But I don't wear dresses when I Dom him because that's not what he wants, and it's better to just have that as my thing. He doesn't hate me for it, he's just not into it, just like he's not into feminisation either. We've all got things we're not into, it's no big deal, you know?" Greg said.  
  
"Hmm, I guess so. You wouldn't wear one for me now, would you? Even though Alex is here? I want to see what you look like in a dress," James said.  
  
"Yeah, sure, I can wear one for you. Go on, pick one. What do you want me to wear?" Greg said, gesturing to the dresses.   
  
James inspected them all, pulling them all out to see how they looked. He decided on a blue one, more of a summer dress than a gown, but with pretty gold flecks in the fabric that James hadn't seen before. "That one. I'd like to see you in this one, sir."   
  
"Alright, I'll put this one on. Do you want to go wait with Alex?" Greg said.  
  
"Not really, I want to see how it fits on you," James said. "I'm just curious, you know? And you said he wasn't really into it, so we'll just do it in here, if you want."  
  
"I mean, it won't be a surprise, but if that's what you want, you can stay. Just get out of my way," Greg said.   
  
James ducked out of the way and slid up onto his bed, crossing his long legs under him as he watched Greg undress. He didn't really know why he wanted to watch him, it was a bit weird, but he found himself studing Greg's body a lot more now, trying to imagine what he'd look like in a dress before he put it on. He could sort of picture it, but not really, not until Greg had pulled the dress on over his head and pulled it down over his body.   
  
"Fuck. You had to pick one I hadn't worn for a while. I'm sure this dress didn't used to be this tight on me. It still looks alright, though, doesn't it? I bet I look like shit," Greg turned to look at him, tugging self-consciously at the fabric.   
  
James just shrugged helplessly. He didn't really _know_ how these things were meant to fit properly. He'd binged through too many youtube videos on fashion to get a sense of how things might work on him when he was first trying to figure out a style, but all the women he was watching were thin and tiny like he was. They weren't like Greg. But he thought it looked alright? Didn't it?   
  
"Jesus, I thought you'd be more helpful than this, James," Greg said. He went over to the mirror. "It looks fine, doesn't it? It's not too tight?"  
  
James got off the bed to join him and gazed at his reflection. It didn't look too tight, but what did too tight look like on Greg anyway? He ran his hands down his chest, trying to get a sense of what Greg was talking about. Sure, it did hug his body quite closely, but how close was too close?   
  
"I mean, I guess so? I-I don't really know? Does it feel too tight, sir? I mean, can you get it off again without tearing it?" James said.  
  
Greg tried, carefully pulling it back over his head, and seemed pleased when it didn't get stuck or get pulled apart. He put it back on and straightened it out, making sure it still looked good. "Alright. It's fine. It's not too tight then. Good. I like this one. I don't want to have to get another one made. This fabric was not cheap. Do you like it?"   
  
"I do like it. It's a nice colour on you," James said. He cuddled up to him then, leaning his head against Greg's, gazing at their reflections. "I don't get why we need to feel ashamed for this, you know? They're just clothes. But if even you're not brave enough to wear them in public, what does that make me? Stupid?"  
  
Greg held him close and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "No, you're brave, and beautiful, and you're my precious baby, no matter what anyone else says, no matter what you're wearing, or what your gender is. I don't care. I love you for who you are. And, I dunno, maybe you'll make me brave enough to go out in a dress the way you do. Maybe we can make each other brave."   
  
"Even if we don't even know why we like it, and can't really explain it to anyone?" James said.  
  
"I mean, do you want to have tons of awkward conversations with people? Because I sure as shit don't. It is what it is. They can take it or leave it," Greg said.   
  
"I guess. Can we go out to the sofa now? I wanna kick off these heels, my feet are killing me," James said.  
  
Greg chuckled. "I did wonder when you'd get tired of them. Come on, let's go have a nightcap before we figure out where we're all sleeping."   
  
"Thank you, sir." James took his shoes off and threw them away. He missed the extra height, but then Greg pulled him close, and that just felt wonderful. Greg offered one last kiss before he took his hand and led him back to the lounge to find Alex.  
  


* * *

  
Alex was kneeling by the sofa, offering a tray with two glasses of whisky on it, when James and Greg returned. He had his head bowed, and his eyes closed, and James wondered if Alex was just going to find this too weird, but also, he'd never actually seen Alex being submissive around Greg like this either, so he didn't really know what to do. He felt like he was intruding.   
  
"Thank you, Alex, what a good boy you are. Go on, James, drink up," Greg said, taking a glass from the tray.  
  
James took the other glass and followed Greg to the sofa. Alex sat on the floor, nursing his whisky, watching as James curled up beside Greg. James looked over at him, wondering if this is just how things were with them. Because, if he was honest, he'd spent so long watching the edited versions of them together that he hadn't really been at all prepared for seeing it all in person right in front of his face. He was still a little overwhelmed by it all.    
  
"Is he alright over there?" James said.  
  
Greg looked over at Alex. "Oh, you're being like that, are you? Come on, don't be shy, come and join us, Alex. He wanted us both tonight, remember?"   
  
Alex scrambled to his feet, looking embarrassed. "Oh, yes, I forgot, I'm so sorry, James."  
  
"Oh, no, it's fine, I'm fine, don't worry about it," James said.  
  
Alex hesitated before he sat down beside James, and then James had to bring his arm around his shoulder to make him come and curl up next to him. There was a moment where Alex wanted to just rest his hand on James' chest before he pulled it away, as if he was unsure how to touch him.  
  
"I don't have a woman's body, Alex, it's fine, you can touch me," James said.  
  
"Are you sure? I wouldn't want to upset you," Alex said.  
  
"No, no, it's fine, I promise," James said.  
  
"Alright, sorry, I don't mean to fuss, but I just- Sorry," Alex said. He seemed to relax then as he rested his head gently on James' shoulder as he curled up next to him.   
  
"No, no, it's alright, it's fine, I like it!" James said, trying to reassure him.   
  
"You got stuck in subspace while you were out here, didn't you, Alex?" Greg said.  
  
"Yes, sir, I did, I'm so sorry," Alex said, half-nodding against James' shoulder.   
  
"You're not fucking sorry though, are you, you little shit?" Greg said, and James could hear the teasing warmth in his voice.  
  
"No, sir, I'm not, but you're not going to punish me, are you?" Alex said. "You don't do that when others are around."  
  
"That, and I can't be bothered right now. But if you think I'm not keeping a ledger of things to punish you for when all the tapings are over, well, think again. I've got time to think up a really good punishment for you," Greg said.  
  
Alex seemed to relish that prospect, James could feel it. "Oh, I love it when you punish me. You hurt me so good."  
  
"You're not meant to enjoy it, Alex, seriously. Am I going to have to change your punishments again so they are actually unpleasant for you?" Greg said.  
  
"Yes, sir, you make it too enjoyable. Please find new ways to hurt me," Alex said.  
  
Greg gave Alex A Look, but James suspected he wasn't really angry with him. He looked down to see Alex smile broadly, his eyes gently closing. He shifted, lifting his head just enough to finish his drink and set the glass down before he snuggled back into James' embrace.   
  
"You know, I'm glad you told me he does this, or I'd be really freaked out by now," James said.   
  
"Yeah, but, I mean, you did ask for him to come too, so this is arguably all your fault, not mine, that you're seeing him like this," Greg said.   
  
"I mean, yeah, I did, but still," James said.  
  
"Bit much, is it?" Greg said.  
  
"Maybe, just a bit. I mean, I knew you did this outside of the show, but I guess I didn't really know what that would look like, you know? I'm glad you gave me a head's up before I came over yesterday," James said.  
  
"Yeah, I mean, we don't tell people for obvious reasons, but sometimes he does stay over after recordings, so I thought you'd better know because he can't stop being submissive when he's here. This week's always really intense anyway, so we kind of don't switch off completely, which is fine if it's just us, but I felt you should know, just so it's not weird," Greg said.  
  
James gave Greg a devious smile. "Does that mean you're going to get strict with me too, sir?"   
  
"Only if you misbehave," Greg said. "You might be my guest, but stay on my good side."  
  
"I'm always good, sir, I promise," James said, knowing that was far from the truth.  
  
Greg laughed then, and James would have curled up into his arms then if he hadn't had Alex leaning against him.   
  
"You aren't, you little brat, but save it for later, I'm not in the mood to play right now," Greg said.  
  
"Aww, you're no fun, sir. Though, sir, I think Alex has fallen asleep, we might need to put him to bed," James said.  
  
James could feel Alex pressing against him, and he did seem to be asleep, or at least, on his way there. Greg glanced over at him and came to the same conclusion.  
  
"Never have kids, James. That's what it does to you," Greg said. "Come on, better get him to bed then."  
  
"What - I mean - tell me what to do? Do you want me to wake him?" James said.  
  
Greg got up then and carefully picked Alex up in his arms. Alex stirred a little, but didn't wake. "Where do you want to sleep, by the way? Sofa or bed?"  
  
James shrugged as he got to his feet. "I dunno, doesn't bother me."   
  
"Are you tired enough to go to bed yet?" Greg asked.  
  
"Kinda, but not quite. Why, are you?" James said.  
  
"Ehh, kinda the same. We'll put him on the sofa. Go grab the blankets from the cupboard while I undress him," Greg said.  
  
"Yes, sir," James said. He hadn't meant to slip back into his submissive mindstate either, but he couldn't help it when Greg used quite particular tones of voice. And, of course, telling him to do things always worked. James liked being told what to do.   
  
It didn't take him long to retrieve the blankets and the spare pillow, just in case. When he returned, Alex was half-awake, and half-undressed, as Greg got him out of his clothes to sleep. James felt a little like he was walking in on something private, but Alex either didn't notice him, or didn't care, and he lay down as Greg made a bed for him, and kissed him goodnight.   
  
"You wanna come say goodnight, too, James?" Greg said.  
  
"Oh, sure, I guess so," James said and went over to the sofa.   
  
"I mean, if it's too weird, just don't, it's fine. But I thought I'd ask," Greg said.  
  
"Oh, no, it's not weird, it's sweet, I don't mind," James said. "You don't mind, do you, Alex?"   
  
"No, I don't," Alex yawned, "Sorry I couldn't stay awake, I'm no fun tonight."   
  
James knelt down and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Not your fault, Alex, there'll be other times to play. Have a good sleep. Night night."  
  
"Night night, James," Alex said. He reached for James' hand and squeezed it gently. "See you tomorrow."  
  
"Yeah, see you tomorrow," James said.  
  
"Come on, let's leave him to sleep and get to bed. It is getting late, and while you don't need to be up early, the rest of us do, so come on, scoot, it's bedtime, you little scamp," Greg said.  
  
"Alright, alright, bedtime, sure, I'm coming, sir!" James said, getting to his feet as he followed Greg into his room.   
  
James closed the door behind him and when he turned back to Greg, he let him pull him close, his hands grasping his hips. James loved being close to him and he kissed him back eagerly, drinking in this last moment of intimacy before he had to go to bed.  
  
"You know you're beautiful, right?" Greg said, gazing lovingingly into his eyes.   
  
"You're beautiful too, sir, even in dresses," James said. "Thank you for sharing that with me at last. I know how much courage it takes to do that."  
  
"Yeah, I know. Sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but I was still figuring things out. I think I'm still figuring things out, but at least I don't have to do that alone now," Greg said.  
  
"Greg, none of us know what the fuck we're doing. Just wear your dresses and be happy, yeah?" James said.  
  
"Yeah, I will. Let's see if there's a Hallowe'en party we can crash in drag, just to shake things up a bit," Greg said.  
  
"Only if you go as a dominatrix and I'll be, like, your little baby girl. You'd look great in leather," James said. "And Alex can be our little puppy."  
  
Greg smiled. "Perfect. Dream about that tonight, James. I know I will."   
  
Greg kissed him one last time before he pulled away from him, beginning to peel off his own dress. "Go on, get ready for bed, I wanna cuddle you while you fall asleep."   
  
James wasn't about to stop him, and made quick work of brushing his teeth and carefully taking his dress off and hanging it up with the others. And then, when Greg was ready and had made sure all the lights were off, James got into bed with him and sunk into his strong arms.   
  
"I'm never going to get tired of you holding me, sir," James said.  
  
"That's good, because I love holding you," Greg said. "Now, go on, go to sleep. We've got a big week ahead and you need your sleep, as do I. I'll see you at the studios, since I probably won't see you before we leave. I'll leave the keys for you on the bench. Make sure you lock up before you go."   
  
"Will do, sir, I know the drill. You told me what to do yesterday. I've got it memorised. I'll be fine. I'll miss waking up with you though," James said.  
  
"It's your choice how late you sleep, James, but I know what you mean. If you're up, you're up, otherwise, I'll see you there," Greg said.  
  
James yawned in spite of himself. He nodded, half-asleep, really feeling drowsy now. "Yeah, tomorrow. Night night, sir."   
  
Greg gave him a soft kiss. "Goodnight, James."  
  
James felt he had permission to close his eyes then, and he drifted off, listening to Greg humming a soft little tune he couldn't identify. He never wanted to be anywhere else but in his arms. That was where he felt safe. The world couldn't get him then. Greg softly stroking his fingers through his hair was the last thing he remembered feeling, and he smiled, utterly content.


End file.
